5ish Ways to Score a Date for Valentine’s Day
Dudes, do you want to score a date with an aesthetically-pleasing humdinger of a female human for Valentine’s Day? Well, look no further. I have the dating guide for you that will guarantee success in your romantic endeavors.
Disclaimer: I’m successfully married to the best wife of all wives, so your success will be relatively limited since I’ve already laid claim to the best one and she’s now legally and spiritually tied to me forever.
1) If you’re looking for a gift that will set you apart from everyone else, get her an Instant Pot pressure cooker.
Way back in the 1970’s, your grandmother wanted a crockpot. In the 1990’s, your mother wanted a crockpot, too. And now, in 2023, all women want the new version of that device. The Instant Pot has all of the same benefits of it’s elder cooking cauldron but is done in 1/4 of the time. If you really want to show that special lady how much you care about both her and pressure cooked food, look no further than the Instant Pot.
2) Nothing, because feminism.
If the lady you’re pining after has more than five piercings above the neck and/or unnaturally bright-colored hair, get her nothing. Just tell her that you care about her as an individual and not at all because she’s a woman and that you’re morally uncomfortable with celebrating a holiday that was constructed by the patriarchy because you’re a male feminist.
Note: Ignore this point if she has less than five piercings above the neck and/or does not have unnaturally bright-colored hair.
3) Ask her on a date to the local animal shelter.
Women love cute animals and the zoo can be expensive. Besides, you can’t normally hold those animals. Invite her on the date of a lifetime to the local animal shelter. You both can bond over the slightly emaciated boxer/pit/lab mixes which are said to only be six months old but you both secretly know are really closer to six years old.
4) Ask her on a date to the local nursing home for the elderly.
Women love cute old people and many times we don’t like the elderly people we’re related to. Besides, if she’s introduced to your elderly relatives, they may share embarrassing stories or confuse her with the pretty girl you introduced them to last year. It’s safer to go to the local animal shel…er… nursing home. And the nursing home elderly can’t follow you home or call you at a later time and ask you to change their furnace filter or switch out old ceiling lightbulbs.
5) Get her a covid mask.
If you really want to tug on her heartstrings, get her a covid mask. The mask will remind her what a mess her love life has been since the pandemic struck in 2019 and that you’ll care for her even if you can only see the upper half of her face.
5b) If she’s really into the covid stuff, consider going on a date to get booster shots.
If you follow these easy tips then you’ll be guaranteed to have a memorable Valentine’s Day.
***We at Let’s Digress are not responsible for death, dismemberment, personal bodily harm, or adverse effects to multiple booster shots***
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Opinions? Comment below or shoot an email to Adam@LetsDigress.com! And please, be kind and grammatically decent. This is a family website.